Midlife awakening

I turned 40 this year.  

Wow, that was a full ass sentence.

I - turned - 40 (insert slow sigh here…) I have no idea where the time went. It’s like I blinked and here I am at 40 with a gray eyelash and achy hips first thing in the morning. My spirit doesn’t feel old, but sometimes my body sure does.

Lately, my spirit does feel that there isn’t much time left and I need to get focused. I have a sense of urgency spilling out from my soul. If this pandemic taught us anything, it’s that we need to go after the things that scare and excite us. I’ve spent the 39^th year of my life taking stock, sifting through all the areas I want to change.

I realize I have been living my life for everyone else. I modeled my life as the “good girl” in my parent’s eyes…married, a home, 2 kids and a decent job. There was no questioning what I wanted or who I wanted to be. I felt unfulfilled and in search for more out of life. I just didn’t know how to get it. I started telling myself that the possibilities I dreamed in my head happened to everyone but me. I couldn’t imagine being an author, owning my own business, traveling the world when I was a wife, a mother and a daughter taking care of aging parents. I felt the weight of everyone’s expectations, needs and desires; while pushing mine to the back burner. I did not know how to juggle it all.

I didn’t want to disappointment my family so I disappointed myself. 

It's easier to disappoint yourself. I thought I could handle my own disappointment.  I thought could tuck it down and drown myself out in the endless list of things to do. My unfulfilled desires soon turned into depression, over eating and a daily game of have you seen the bottom of this wine bottle.

Each day that passed before my 40^th birthday I felt this ache for more become stronger.  I spent so much of my life in my head second guessing my thoughts and feelings. Weighing the pros and cons of every step instead of following my gut. I truly want to see how it feels to do all the things that I desire; to actually follow my dreams.  

Maybe I’m having a little midlife crisis or maybe it’s a midlife awakening.

I’m awakening to the fact that I really won’t live forever. I’m awakening to the fact that if I died today, I wouldn’t have accomplished the dreams I see floating behind my eyes. What is the legacy I am leaving? How will I leave my mark on this earth? These are the thoughts that keep me up at night (insomnia is a real part of turning 40).

I feel awake for the first time in my life. The very real fact that I will one day leave this earth is hovering over my every action and interaction.

I want to spend the rest of my days fully independent of other people’s opinions. I want to go after everything I’ve imagined and transcend the realm of possibilities. I now know that if I see it, it is already done. I just need to take daily steps, which become daily habits and my goal will eventually show up. I’m on a journey to pursue my own happiness.

I owe it to myself. I owe it to my children, to be the best version of myself I can possibly be. This is the breakdown I needed in order to build myself up. 

Queen, may these words awaken your own life.

We have been in a deep sleep far too long. Don’t live someone else’s dream for your life. Live the life you want and envision.  Now is the time to step into all of your glory. You owe it to yourself. May all the possibilities you see in your mind, flow through your heart and out your fingertips.

We need you and all you bring to this world.

Happy Awakening, 

Heather B.